Because myself is a horrible person who wants to change everyone
So very alone.
In my thoughts, in my opinions, in my solutions, in my style. All my life, I’ve simply told myself that I’m just special, that I’m just that amazing of a person. Lately, I’ve started to feel like no one ever agrees with me or will ever agree with me. No matter how much people want to soften things up with me like “Everyone’s opinion matters” or “Everyone’s entitled to their opinion” or “Don’t mind them. They’re just being ignorant”, in the end, they all have to face the truth:
Everyone thinks their opinion matters. The only ones that actually matter, though, are the ones that the majority agrees upon.
If you go against the majority, no matter how strong of a will you possess, you will fall under society’s conformity. I guess I’ve given up hope, really, on trying to make a difference anymore. I’m not saying I give in to social conformity. I’m just saying I’ve accepted that I won’t ever feel okay in a world that tells you to strive for individuality but simultaneously punishes diverting from the norm.
My opinions only matter if they go against a person’s belief. My support and encouragement is lost amongst the gigantic sea of a single contradicting opinion. The only time people seem to know I exist is when I express my controversial take on things. I grow weary of persuasion and being a missionary.
And in that, I lose this war. All alone
All you’ve been to me is a pain. I don’t even know if you still need me and I don’t feel comfortable associating with you anymore. Honestly, you say that you’ve changed for the better, but all I’ve experienced was you changing back to your old, undisciplined ways. I promised you a lot but the way you’ve been acting has been discouraging me from fulfilling them. I thought things were different after that experience, but when things come back like this, I don’t know what to think anymore.
Sweetie, this isn’t about you.
There was an ordinary man. His looks were ordinary. His intelligence was ordinary. His strength was ordinary. All he ever was was ordinary..
He was never remarkable. He never does anything remarkable. His house is unremarkable. His job is unremarkable. Nothing ever seemed to stand out in his life.
He married an average woman. They had two average children. They grew up to be two average adults. The man soon became an average grandparent.
Nothing bad ever happened to this man. He was never in despair. He was never depressed. Everything was nothing to him. No beauty, no sorrow. It was all just average.
The man died an average death. He had an ordinary funeral. His absence was unremarkable to everyone. No one remembered him. They had nothing to remember. He was insignificant to the story of the life of anyone who had known him.
This is my nightmare. If you live safely all your life, you never really lived to begin with. A life with no sadness or sorrow is no life at all. When you do not understand pain, you cannot truly understand what happiness is. I will not be this man. I refuse to be ordinary.
I choose to be extraordinary.
“This has led me to do things I should not have done and which I will not do again; it has left scars on my body and on my soul, it has meant hurting certain people, although I have since asked their forgiveness, which I realized that I could do absolutely anything except force another person to follow me in my madness, in my lust for life. I don’t regret the painful times; I bear my scars as if they were medals. I know that freedom has a high price, as high as that of slavery; the only difference is that you pay with pleasure and a smile, even when that smile is dimmed by tears.”
Damn, I forgot how much sense this book made.
The only thought in my head was “She’s mad at me. I know nothing I can say will change her mind about it… Maybe she’ll forgive me in time but I just didn’t want her problems with her mother to get any worse… I was only trying to help. Maybe I shouldn’t anymore. Or do I keep going? I don’t know… I just know that she won’t want to talk to me any time soon. No matter how much I say sorry… So how do I distract myself… I wish I could just make everything better. There’s nothing for me to do. I’m going to be trapped with my thoughts…”
The littlest things get me worried when it comes to her. I’ve never cared about someone this much.
you will not make me feel bad about being quiet
you will not make me feel bad about my body
you will not make me feel bad about stumbling over my words
you will not make me feel bad about being nervous
you will not make me feel bad about not knowing everything
you will not make me feel bad about having a sense of humor that you don’t get
you will not make me feel bad about being tired
you will not make me feel bad about how i dress
you will not make me feel bad
I actually want to cry…
I finally checked my grades and it turns out that I’m averaging at Cs and I’m probably gonna fail two classes.. I don’t know what to do.. It’s not like I can do make up work or anything like that. There’s no more work left. There’s only the final. I really REALLY hope that I can pass them, but if I can’t, then I’m hoping I can make them up by just taking them again next semester :/
Everything is just piling up again. I already told my parents that I returned the iPad and I haven’t gotten a call from the manager yet, but I’m really hoping that I don’t have to pay the $500. Fingers crossed that they forgot they issued that iPad to me. I’m really freaking out already. To be honest, I keep telling people I can afford it, but I really can’t. I have about $300 in my account… But I’m trying to make up for it all by working. There’s an estimated 23 more days of my work left and if I budget $25 a day, then that’s $575. I’d be able to pay it off by then..
My main concern is just my classes right now. Thank god my parents don’t get any notification of my grades, or I’d probably get everything taken away. Everything will work out just fine in the end. I know it. But it’s just, I’m going through a rough time already. I’m hoping the world will be considerate and nice to me. But that’s too much to ask for..